How to Tell Your Family You're Deconstructing
You've probably rehearsed this conversation more times than you can count.
In the shower. On the drive to Sunday dinner. At 2 a.m. laying awake in bed. You can picture your mom's face when she hears it, and you can guess which verses your dad will quote. Somewhere in all that rehearsing, the question evolved from "What do I say?" to "How do I stay me while I say it?"
As a therapist for religious trauma and deconstruction, I’m much more interested in the second question. Telling family you're questioning the faith you grew up in isn't a casual life update like you applied for a new job or are considering grad school. For a lot of people I work with in faith deconstruction therapy, it's one of the first times they've held a position their family didn’t approve of, and kept holding it anyway. Staying strong like that takes some preparation.
If you're still figuring out what deconstruction even means for you, my blog What is Faith Deconstruction? is a good place to start. This post is for when you know you're in it and you're deciding what to do about the people you love.
Telling them is a choice, not a debt
Before getting into what to say, it is important to note that saying anything at all is completely optional. Some people feel real relief in being known, even when that feels risky or vulnerable. Others realize they need more footing first, or that a particular relative hasn't earned access to something this tender. Waiting until you’re ready isn't hiding. Deciding you'll never have the full conversation with your grandmother isn't cowardice. What you do with your story is up to you.
A question to ask yourself that might help: What am I hoping happens after I tell them? If the honest answer is along the lines of "I want them to understand," it may help to name a more specific hope too, like "I want to stop pretending at Christmas." Having an intention in mind can help you to move forward in a way that feels meaningful.
Pick your headline before you walk in
Families steeped in evangelical culture often treat a disclosure like this as an opening to an apologetics debate. You're allowed to decline the debate. You don't owe anyone a theological defense of where you are right now.
It can help to decide your headline in advance. Something like:
"I'm not in the same place with faith that I used to be. I'm still figuring out what I believe, and I'm not looking to argue about it. I'm telling you because I want you to know what’s going on in my life."
That's it. You're sharing something true about your life, not asking for permission to have your experience.
For LGBTQ+ folks, coming out and deconstructing sometimes show up at the same time, and family may try to frame one as the cause of the other. You get to separate them, share one and not the other, or choose the order. Your story doesn't have to unfold in whatever sequence is easiest for them to process.
Expect a reaction, and plan for yours
Your family might cry, get angry, ask what they did wrong, or promise to pray for you (which can honestly feel more like a threat than a comfort). Often this comes from genuine fear for you, which can make it harder to stay steady. You can acknowledge their feelings without carrying them: "I can see this is really scary for you. I'm okay."
A few things that can help you stay grounded:
Drive yourself or do it over the phone so leaving/ending the call is always an option.
Decide on a time limit before you start.
Line up a friend to text or call afterward.
If you notice your body doing the old thing mid-conversation (voice getting small, over-explaining, agreeing when you don’t want to), that's useful information about how your nervous system is interpreting the situation. You can always press pause: "I want to keep talking about this, just not today."
If you’re up for it, it will likely take more than one conversation
The first conversation probably won't be the last, and it may not go the way you hoped. Relationships often shift slowly, over months or years, as everyone adjusts to who you're becoming.
If family conversations keep sending you back into shame or panic, that can be a sign the old messages are stored deeper than logic can reach. That's where EMDR therapy may help, by working with the memories underneath the reaction instead of only the thoughts on top.
You don't have to rehearse alone
Therapy for faith transitions can be a place to practice the words out loud, sort out what you actually want, and notice where you're still bracing for approval. I'm not here to tell you what to believe or how your family should respond. My role is to help you hear yourself clearly enough to speak up when it counts.
If you're in Denver or anywhere in Colorado, I offer in-person and virtual sessions. If you’re interested in learning more about working with me, the first step is to schedule a free consultation. We’ll chat on the phone to get your questions answered and see if we feel like a good fit. I’m here whenever you’re ready.