Healing from Purity Culture: Releasing Shame and Reconnecting to Your Body
Illustration by Hanin Abouzeid on Unsplash
Many adults I work with share a common thread: they were raised in environments that emphasized sexual “purity” in ways that left them feeling tangled in shame, self-judgment, and fear. When the messages in youth group were:
Your value depends on your virginity,
Your body must always signal modesty, and
Desire is sinful (except in a very narrow set of circumstances),
the impact can last far beyond adolescence.
If you grew up exposed to Evangelical culture in the 90s and 2000s you’re probably very familiar with the conept of purity culture. For those who didn’t: “purity culture” refers to a set of beliefs, messages, and practice that tie a person’s sexual behavior, body, and desires to their worth as a person. This framework most often places the responsibility on girls and women to “protect” the boys and men around them from experiencing and acting on their own desires. Purity culture also teaches that desire and sexual behaviors should only be experienced in the context of marriage between a man and woman and anything outside of that boundary is sinful.
When you’ve internalized perfection-oriented rules about your body and sexuality, it’s not unusual to experience:
Distancing from your body, your sexual self, or your capacity for pleasure because the body was framed as dangerous or sinful.
Anxiety, shame, or even physical tension when it comes to intimacy, touch, arousal or erotic feelings.
Self‐worth wrapped around compliance (“I followed the rules so I’m okay”) or around perceived failure (“I messed up so I’m damaged”).
A disconnect between what you think you should feel (safe, desirable, worthy) and what you actually feel (numb, anxious, avoidant).
Uncertainty about how to redefine intimacy and desire outside of the purity framework you grew up with.
If you are an adult trying to move beyond these patterns, you are not alone, and it’s absolutely possible to build a healthier relationship with your body, your desires, and your relational selves.
How Purity Culture Shapes Shame, Sexuality and Self-Worth
Purity culture makes some big promises: if you abstain from sex, dress modestly, protect your heart, then your sex life in marriage will be amazing, your partner will value you, and your life will be beautiful. But underneath those promises lie potent messages about avoidance, fear, and control. For individuals raised in this system, the messages often look like:
Your body doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to God and your future spouse.
Every step outside of the bounds of purity culture is mark against your worth.
Sexuality is dangerous and desire is not to be trusted, except in the context of heterosexual marriage.
Your body, desire, and sexuality are all problems that need to be managed to avoid sinning or causing others to sin.
These messages often lead to internalized shame that last even after becoming married or leaving communities that espouse purity culture values. This shame can be experienced around sexual acts, yes, but for connection to the body itself and even relational needs. Adults, especially women, who grew up to believe the messages of purity culture often report:
Shame around their sexual behaviors and desires, even when they are in a heterosexual marriage.
Intense self-criticism and body-shaming that negatively impacts sexual desire and relationship satisfaction.
Difficulty connecting to their bodily experience.
Reconnecting with Your Body & Desire: A Therapeutic Path
In my therapy practice, I draw from trauma-informed frameworks—specifically Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR). Here’s how those modalities can help you reconnect your body, desire and self-worth:
1. Establishing Safety & Body Connection
When the body has been framed as something dangerous and to be strictly controlled, therapy begins with re-building a safe relationship with your embodied self. Therapy for sexual shame can include:
Questions like “What does my body want to say?” or “Where in my body do I feel tension/shame when I think of desire?” helpt to start the exploration.
We might use grounding exercises, gentle somatic awareness (tracking breath, noticing sensations without judgment), and self-compassion practices to counter shame’s hold.
Because shame often triggers disconnection (you go into your head, avoid your body), we lean into noticing: What does my body feel here? Can I breathe into it? Can I invite curiosity instead of avoidance?
2. Deconstructing the Narrative of Shame
Your story matters: the religious or cultural messages you absorbed, the “shoulds” you carry, the fearful parts that still whisper “If I act on desire I’ll be punished”.
With ACT, we name the values underneath the rules you followed (e.g., “I wanted to belong,” “I wanted to be safe,” “I wanted to honor my faith”) and ask: Are these values still serving you now, in your adult life?
With EMDR or targeted religious trauma and sexuality work, we can address the loaded memories or body-archives of shame (for example, hearing sermons about purity, experiencing messages of being “impure,” or feeling unsafe in your body) and begin to re-process those narratives so they don’t keep dictating your present.
You’ll gain more choice around your behaviors and desires. Instead of “I must not desire,” you move toward “I can notice desire, understand it, and choose how to respond.”
3. Redefining Healthy Intimacy & Desire
Healing from purity culture and reconnecting with desire does not mean prescribing a specific style of relationship or intimacy. It means you rediscover what your body, mind and heart need. It means you define what healthy intimacy looks like for you.
We explore: What does consent feel like in my body? What does pleasure feel like (physical, emotional, relational)? How do I voice my boundaries or my needs?
We talk about relational patterns: How did I learn about intimacy? What roles did shame, fear, or silence play when I was younger? How do they show up now?
We introduce skill-sets for emotion regulation shifting from avoidance into mindful engagement.
4. Cultivating Self-Worth Beyond Purity Scripts
One of the enduring legacies of purity culture is tying worth to behavior or bodily state (“If I stayed pure, I have worth; if I didn’t, I don’t”). Therapy supports you in reshaping your identity around inherent value (i.e. who you are, not what you did or didn’t do).
Through compassionate inquiry we ask: Who am I outside these rules? What parts of me feel valuable even if I never “fixed” the shame?
We practice internalizing the message: I am worthy because I exist. My body deserves nuance, pleasure, curiosity, safety.
We build narratives of healing: that sexual shame is not evidence of a broken self, but a response to messages you were given and that you can learn to rewrite.
Your Unique Journey Matters
Because your story is yours, the pace, the focus and the methods will be tailored to you. Whether you’re 30 or 60, straight or LGBTQ+, married or single, whether your past taught you silence or you acted out and now carry regret—there is a path toward healing from purity culture.
You may feel a mix of relief (someone finally sees the way those rules shaped you), fear (what if reshaping how I think about sex and my body will open up confusion or conflict?), and longing (for a body you trust, for intimacy you crave, for a sense of self-worth you cling to). All of that is valid. Therapy is about walking with you, for as long as it takes, toward a body and a sense of self that actually feels like you.
Let’s Take the Next Step Together
If you recognize some of the patterns above and feel ready (or ready-ish) to explore a new way of relating to your body, your desire, and your self-worth, I invite you to schedule a free meet & greet consultation with me. In this 15-minute phone call we’ll:
talk through whether you and I are a good fit to work together,
discuss scheduling and payment logistics,
and schedule our first full session if you're ready.
Take your time. Reach out when you're ready. Your body, your desire and your story are worthy of care that reflects their complexity and I’d be honored to walk alongside you.